The Princess Culture? Seriously?

We are a Disney Princess family. In the beginning when Ella was first introduced to Disney, namely the princesses, I felt we had a good balance of what I’d like to call 2 categories: Princess and Not Princess. Ella really enjoyed playing with her trainset, reading all types of books (Thomas the Train, Huggle Buggle, etc.) and playing with her Princess Barbies. Lately she’s been very into Disney characters, namely the princesses. Does that mean Cinderella ate my baby? I think not.

It’s our job to support who our children are at any given point and instill in them their morals, values and ethics. I would feel sorry for your child if you tried to push him/her into something they weren’t. It’s like forcing them to play soccer if they really wanted to go to ballet class. One of my best friends has a son is the same age as Ella. He happens to enjoy playing with Barbies (dolls), puts on chapstick/lipgloss, seems halfway interested in playing dress-up, loves to cook with his kitchen, etc. My friend lets him, as she should because he enjoys doing those particular things. Is anyone judging her? Nope.

I think trying to make your child something he/she is not is more damaging than letting them play with a doll that happens to have measurements that you could probably only obtain by getting plastic surgery. It’s up to us, the parents of these young impressionable beings to teach them about what’s real and what’s not. Give them self confidence to be who they are and stop being so anti-“everything”. I’ve heard that Disney is actually talking about doing a bald Barbie for children who are going thru Chemo treatments, etc. I suppose that’s terrible also…How about American Girl dolls? These dolls have real life stories. They’re normal in size. I let Ella play with hers and she loves it. She happens to have Rebecca, the Russian Jew, by the way. Do you really think Ella knows the difference between the American Girl doll with the real life story or the skinny Barbie. Hell no.

We need to stop over analyzing absolutely everything and just let kids be kids. As long as we instill in them morals and do everything in moderation, who cares? Freaking chill out.

More from this series: 

• Addressing the STUFF
• The Overt Sexualization of Young Girls or Why My Preschooler Won’t Wear a Bikini

More from Naomi:

• Water Baby
• Personal Style
• Letting the cats out of the bag

 

Nerd Dad

I’m a self-proclaimed nerd. This should be nothing new to those of you who know me…I was always much more likely to sit inside than head out for recess. I always loved studying and genuinely enjoyed going to class. Although I’m glad to be done with school, my inner nerd comes out every once in awhile.

I was in a training session for work the other day and we took a learning styles assessment. I love personal assessments, because they teach me to think about my own style in new ways. I don’t think I learned anything groundbreaking from this particular assessment, but there was a section about learning styles and parenting that I thought was interesting. Also, for other nerds out there, you can read more about learning styles and experiential learning here.

We all learn and make sense of the world in different ways. There are four learning styles (learning by doing, learning by experiencing, learning by reflecting, and learning by thinking). You can probably think of your preferred learning style just from the descriptions. When we parent, we will most often teach in the style that we prefer. But are we being sensitive to how our children would like to learn? Or should we try to strengthen weaker styles with our kids? Here is a brief description of the styles for kids:

After reading through the styles, do you have any inclinations about your kids? Of course, the best approach with your kids is using a blend of styles. Interesting stuff, huh? Told you I was a nerd.

 

Personal Style

Ella has had a sense of style that just comes naturally to her.  From the time she was little she’s had input picking out her outfits.  She usually opts to wear a princess costume to school every single day.  I let her because it’s how she expresses herself.  Her reasoning for why she wears them every day when you ask her is “because I love it.”  Either way, she knows exactly what she likes and dislikes and isn’t afraid to let me know!  Being able to pick out her own clothes gives her a sense of control over her individuality and personal style, which I think is important to instill in her.  However, I’ve started to wonder where I should draw the line and step in.

Case in point…

Ella has been talking about getting her ears pierced for a while now.  Sure, I think she’d look adorable with her ears pierced, but is it really necessary to poke holes in her ears when she’s 3 years old just because she’s asking for it? I certainly don’t want to hinder her personal expression and uniqueness but I’m having trouble knowing the “right” thing to do with this particular request of hers.  What would YOU do?

Other posts by Naomi:

• Water Baby (25hoursblog.wordpress.com)
• Present Party Poopers Raise Your Hand! (25hoursblog.wordpress.com)

 

Who Loves You?

We were all walking back to the car the other day and I was holding Maya. I whispered in her ear, “Who loves you?” She replied, “Mommy loves me!”

“Who else loves you?”

“Daddy loves me!”

“Who else loves you?”

“Seth loves me!”

“Who else loves you?”

“ME loves Me!… Myself loves me!!”

 

 

I Double Dare Ya

Maya has now reached the stage where she is testing the limits of what she knows is right.  She isn’t defiant on purpose-she’s just having a little fun with it.  She’ll do something she knows she shouldn’t, we’ll warn her that she is going to have a time out or be removed from the situation (dinner table, play room, etc.), and then she’ll go right ahead and do it anyway.  She TOTALLY understands what’s at stake, and she does it anyway!!  I secretly love it because she has this really great sense of humor and is a really funny kid.  She still gets upset if we win and she loses, but she has fun with it.

Just the other day we were out for lunch and she was playing with the straw in her milk.  I asked her to please stop because it might spill and of course she kept right on doing it.  She even looked at me as if to say, “I dare ya to take it away!  No, I double dare ya!”  Well, I didn’t need to take it away because not too long afterwards her milk spilled and she had to clean it up.  What’s that I hear?  Mommy knows best?  Hmm.

 

My PSA

When I was pregnant with Ella I took an infant/child CPR course thru one of our hospitals.  That was over 3 years ago.  I knew I was due for a refresher course but just couldn’t find the time to take the class, it’d been lingering on my to-do list for a while.  I’m so angry with myself that I put it off because this past Sunday, those skills would have come in handy.

We’d just gotten home from my mother-in-law’s birthday party.  We weren’t home more than 10 seconds and all of a sudden I hear Ella make a tiny mouse-like shriek.  I run over thinking one of our dogs nipped her and realized after she was pawing at her mouth that she was choking…on a marble.  She’s not crying, not breathing and I pick her up, try to give her the Heimlich maneuver and as hard as I tried, the marble wouldn’t come out.  I pass her to Jeff and start going towards the phone to dial 911 when I hear the marble hit the floor and Ella start to cry.

Thank God that marble came out.  It felt like an eternity.  I wasn’t able to get it out and still replay in my head what, if anything, I did wrong.  I had two questions I’m still asking myself: 1) What if Jeff hadn’t been home and I couldn’t get the marble out and, 2) Why in the world did I put off my refresher CPR course?

So, here is my PSA…please don’t wait until an emergency occurs to realize you need to take your refresher CPR course.  Check out your local hospitals and take your course NOW!  You’ll find me at Presbyterian Hospital taking mine in a few weeks.

 

The Momitor and Competitive Parenting

We all know one, you know the mom that always knows best, whose child always does this and that at an advanced age and better than your own child. The Momitor. She hits you when you are down with a “well little Johnny can sing his ABCs and he is only 18 months. And did I tell you he started walking at 9 months?” Blah, blah, blah.

So are you one of these moms? Do you constantly put your kid up against your friend’s children? Can’t we all just relax and understand that each of us knows what is right for our own children?

As I sit here and write this I know I am a hypocrite. Over the weekend we ran into a child that was in the home-daycare with my son prior to him switching schools. I watched as the boys interacted and played ball but the Momitor in me noticed that this child, who was older than my son, was not talking. So here I am confessing to the fact that I had a Momitor moment! I mean hey, my son talks and most of the time it is English so surely that other child is delayed or isn’t engaged enough by his parents. Or maybe they are just laid back and they know their child best and how he communicates with them and I should just mind my own business.

I think all moms have a Momitor tendency. We compare growth chart stats, developmental milestones and the like, and at the end of the day we all want to know that our children are developing and growing the same as the rest of their peer group.

 

Bribery

I never thought I would be the parent who used bribes to get my kids to do things. I remember being in stores and hearing parents plead with their children, “Please just stop screaming and I’ll buy you this cookie!”, and thinking that would never, EVER be me. I was too tough for that. I wasn’t going to bend and break down. If my child wanted to have a screaming temper tantrum on the floor of the store then he could just have it. I knew he’d stop having those tantrums once he realized Mommy wasn’t going to give in.

Fast forward a few years and I have to admit that I was utterly and completely wrong. I work hard at disciplining my kids effectively and consistently, but I definitely do not win all the time. It’s a lot easier at home when you don’t have the eyes of others watching how you react when your 2-year-old emits a blood curdling scream while simultaneously writhing on the floor. I’ve tried the walking away tactic … you know, just start walking away when they start a tantrum out in public. But inevitably the offender will then start screaming, “Mommy, don’t LEAVE MEEEEEEEEE!”, and I start to get worried that people think I am actually abandoning my child. How do they already know how to work a public place like this at so young an age? Some people have suggested that I just leave the store/public place (with the kids) if a tantrum occurs but do you know how long it takes to get me and four kids dressed, ready, into the car, and to the store? I am not about to give up all that work to just turn around and leave.

I’ve also tried bribery. I know, I know, something I never thought I would do. But many times it does work. I’ve learned that the key is to bribe BEFORE the tantrums / yelling / meltdowns ever even start. Preventative action. For example, if we’re about to go into the grocery store I’ll say, “OK, Mommy needs to get a few things from the grocery store and if you’re really good and stay with me and don’t yell or scream then we’ll get a (wait for it) …… COOKIE when we’re done (it’s more effective the longer the pause and the higher the eyebrow raise when exclaiming, “COOKIE!”). So we go into the store and the whole time we keep talking about how they’re going to get that cookie if they stay with me and don’t yell. If a tantrum creeps up, I just remind them about the cookie and all quiets down. And then, at the end of the gloriously easy and tear-free shopping trip, they get a cookie!

Sometimes I feel like a failure as a mother because I have to resort to these tactics (I swear it’s not all the time … they don’t get cookies for brushing their teeth or going to the potty). But this stuff works for us right now so I’m going to use it. The key has been using things for bribery that I was already going to give them anyway. Like that cookie. They don’t know that I was planning on getting them one anyway while we were at the store, but they don’t need to know! Bribery with everyday things … I love it! Now excuse me while I go and get the kids up from their naps … I promised them that they could read their new library books if they would go and take a nap first!

 

Our List

I was perusing Pinterest and found a link,.  It’s a list of rules written by a Dad towards other Dad’s who have daughters.  I was curious, what kind of “rules are there?  I read each rule and loved every word of every sentence I read.  It’s made me reflect on my childhood and the childhood I strive to give my daughter, and what our “rules” would be for experiencing life with our daughter.

It’s no secret that my dad wasn’t around, ever, really.  My mom raised my sister and I beautifully.  She did her best to make us feel like we weren’t “missing out” on having a father figure.  I sometimes can’t help but wonder what it’d be like to have that daddy-daughter relationship.  Now that I have a daughter, I find myself taking a step back to allow Ella and her Daddy to form the bond that I know will forever shape Ella.  Sadly, I will never really understand what that relationship is like.  But I know for Ella and Jeff, it’s something incredibly special.

I absolutely think that mothers and daughters have a bond instantly.  I think Daddy’s and daughters have to form one over time.  I’ve always wanted to give Jeff and Ella time to create a bond only the two of them will share.  I don’t know if it’s the “right” thing to do, but in my heart, I feel it is.  Watching Ella and Jeff play together melts my heart and brings a tear to my eye.  It’s beautiful watching the two of them enjoy the smallest of things together; walking the dogs, Jeff succumbing to Ella’s request of painting their toenails, playing with sidewalk chalk or having dance parties in our den.  Things that I think are small, but I know have a tremendous impact on Ella…and Jeff.  Don’t get me wrong, Ella and I do plenty together; we laugh and play often and Jeff and I make family time a priority.  However, Ella doesn’t look up at me like I’m some sort of super-hero, like she does Jeff, and I’m okay with that.

The other day, Ella and a few of my family members went to a pumpkin patch, sans Jeff as he had to work at the last-minute.  Ella rode a horse, which was a huge deal!  She was so proud of herself and we talked about it all day.  When we finally got home and I was tucking Ella in for her nap, she looked at me and said “Daddy will be so proud I rode the horse.”  I was shocked that she could already feel and articulate that her Daddy would be proud of her.  It was a beautiful moment for me to experience.  I don’t recall my Dad ever telling me he was proud of me, much less, me ever stating my Dad would be proud of me for doing something.  So, for Ella to say this, at 3 years old was amazing and powerful.  All the doubt I had in my mind about our parenting skills dissipated and made me realize that we’re on the right track.  My hope for Ella is to always feel like we’re proud of her.  No matter how “small” her accomplishment.  I think that’s the #1 rule on our list, for now.

 

Zoltar Speaks

Becoming a parent has been an interesting ride for me. I liken it to Josh Baskin’s experience in the seminal classic, “Big.” I’m not going to rehash the plot, because I know you’ve all seen it (and memorized Josh and Billy’s epic rap, “Shimmy shimmy cocoa pop…”), but I feel that my trip through parenting has followed a similar arc to Josh’s adventures. I wanted to be a father really badly – almost enough to swing by the state fair and find a Zoltar machine. Joanne and I wished and prayed and hoped and dreamed and did a seance and thought, “did we just do a seance?,” and it finally worked – in a big way! Thank you Zoltar.

[blunt transition to topical element of post]

Just like Josh, I’ve had some growing pains in the world of fatherhood. I really haven’t had much room to wade into it – it’s been more of a sink or swim kind of experience. What I’ve really wanted out of parenting is to stake a claim on my own brand of fatherhood. I haven’t actively avoided any particular brands of parenting, but I’ve tried to be the kind of dad that suits who I am, rather than someone else.

I’ve struggled a lot recently about things I say to the kids. Usually it’s when I’m in some sort of discipline mode – Peyton is playing ‘keep away’ from Adah and I ask her to stop. Demurely, she smiles (eager to return to tormenting Adah) and I say, “wipe that smile off your face!” WHOA – what did I just say? Wipe that smile off your face?!?! Who am I, Vernon Dursley, with Peyton as my Harry Potter?? Of course I really didn’t intend to wipe Peyton’s smile away. Her smile is unbeatable. However, my moment of regret had me thinking about other things I’ve said that seemingly came out of nowhere, and didn’t represent the “my own brand of parenting” I’d been searching for. Among them:

• If you do that again…(idle threat – nice move)
• Not so fast, mister (am I challenging a three year old to a foot race?)
• I will turn the car around! (basely false, because I want to eat lunch at Five Guys just as much as the kids do)
• 1….2….2.5….square root of 7….
• Stop that, or you’re going to your room without dinner (no way would I do this – can you imagine how grumpy this child would be in the morning?)

Please don’t call social services on me! I’m really a good guy deep down. Unlike Josh Baskin, I like being big – so I’m not combing amusement park databases trying to find Zoltar. I still struggle with trying to find my own way of being a dad though.

Have any of you said/done something as a parent that surprised you or that you felt wasn’t like you? How are you all coming in your journey to find your own way of parenting?